Having been “reproductively challenged” my entire life, I knew that this day would eventually come. When all other measures had been exhausted to stop the pain from the period and the massive amounts of bleeding every month along with the fact that my periods last for however long they want to. Well that time has finally come and my doctor has scheduled my hysterectomy. I go in for pre op on June 1, and then in for surgery on June 3. I’m supposed to have a full vaginal hysto with the possibility of a oophorectomy, which means that my uterus, fallopian tubes, and cervix will definitely be removed with the possibility of my ovaries being removed as well. My doctor will make that decision once she gets in there and sees exactly what we’re dealing with. She is going to do her best to keep my ovaries because she wants to do her best to keep me off of hormones for as long as she can. (I’m crossing my fingers that we will be able to keep them as well because I have heard HORROR stories about having to be on the hormones.)
I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous and having mixed feelings about the whole thing. I’m sure when I meet with her for pre-op, she’ll go more in depth about everything, but I’m starting to get extremely nervous and honestly a little bit of terror is setting in not knowing what to expect. I’ve joined a few Facebook groups to kind of try to get an idea of what I may be looking at, but that has managed to scare me a little more. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are several upsides to this surgery and that I am going to feel so much better when everything is said and done. But just the fear of what could happen has me nervous. I’m not so worried about the surgery itself, so much as the recovery. Taking it one day at a time is all that I can do.
Since I will be down for the foreseeable future (I’m hoping not too long) this is the perfect opportunity to catch up on my blog and keep a running log of the procedure and recovery. So join me on this journey won’t you?
The stillness and routine is by far my favorite. In my first marriage, my ex husband was in a Special Forces unit in the Marine Corps. Needless to say, there wasn’t a whole lot of routine there. His schedule was extremely unpredictable, which made my schedule the same. We didn’t have kids together so we had the luxury of not having to worry much about where his missions took him. Had kids been a part of the equation, it would have made the situation much different. I have the utmost respect for the women who are taking care of children while their spouse is off serving our country. I watched some of my friends do it and it takes a special strength to do that. A strength that looking back now, I know that I didn’t have. Funny how the universe works when you don’t even realize it.
I look at my life now, and there is definitely routine and I love it. This is the life I’ve dreamed of. My husband is home every night, my kids have a routine. I am lucky enough to have a job that allows me to make my own schedule and also work from home so I can take care of all of my kids need. I can have a career AND be a wife and mother without having to sacrifice anything. Some days it’s exhausting, and some days I don’t know how I’ll do it, but it always gets done. I remember what it was like when I didn’t think that I would ever have this. From the reproductive issues that I have to my first failed marriage, I didn’t think that this kind of life was in the cards for me. So even on the hard, exhausting days I don’t complain. And sometimes after the day is over, the kids have been tucked in and are sleeping peacefully in their bed and my husband has fallen asleep waiting for me to finish my last shift of the night, I take a moment to just take it all in, because this is everything that I wished for.
I try not to regret anything that has happened in my life or any decisions that I have made. I’m a full believer in everything happens for a reason and that the universe has a plan. More often that not, we don’t understand what that plan is and even more often than that, I don’t think that we’re meant to. I feel like every decision that I’ve ever made and every experience that I’ve ever been through (both good and bad) has brought me to exactly where I am right now. And where I am right now is exactly where I’m supposed to be, when I’m supposed to be here.
With that being said, if I had to choose anything, it would be wasting my time and energy on people who didn’t deserve it and reacting to people and situations that didn’t deserve a response. Everyone comes across people in their lives, whether it’s in their personal lives or possibly in their professional lives that feel like all they do is suck the life and energy out of you. Unfortunately most of the time, we react or respond without thinking first because defending ourselves against negativity is almost like a gut reaction. It took me a very long time to realize that sometimes silence is the loudest response and that not every situation should be given that reaction. The person who is pulling this energy from you isn’t suffering, but the stress that you end up putting yourself through gives them a power of you and your emotions. Nobody else should have the power to ruin your day.
So after being MIA for entirely too long, because you know, life and kids and work happens, I’m doing my best to get back into the swing of things. What better way to try to ensure that I am holding myself accountable and sticking with things, than by starting a writing challenge, and today is Day 1.
What do I consider to be my biggest accomplishment? I wish I could pinpoint one specific thing but I can’t. I think that’s because I rate my successes differently than a lot of people. When my sister took her own life, I truly felt like I would never be the same. My world crashed in the time it took to pick up the phone. It felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me and I really thought that I would never make it through. There were so many unanswered questions. So many blurred details that just didn’t make any sense. But I clawed my way out of that depression and learned to make peace with the fact that the majority of the questions that I had would never be answered because the person that had the answers was never coming back and I had to learn to be okay with that. I woke up every day forcing myself to get out of bed, but I did it. And three years later when I felt like my feet were finally firmly on the ground and like there might have been a light at the end of the tunnel, tragedy struck again.
I received a phone call that my mom had a massive heart attack in the middle of the night at the age of 42. And just like that, in the time it took the phone to ring, my world came crashing down all over again. My brain couldn’t process it. Hadn’t I just been here? Is it even possible for there to be anything left of me to break? But indeed, there was. It was happening again. My world crashing around me and I was drowning directly in the center. This was my mom. My best friend. The person I called 20 times a day to talk about everything and nothing. How was I supposed to be expected to go on living? I didn’t know how to face a world without the two people who taught me everything and molded me into the person I was. At the time my mom died, I was only 21. I had been married and living on my own since I was 18, but I still felt like I didn’t know how to be an adult and how the hell was I supposed to learn. I have all the respect in the world for my ex husband for putting up with me during the aftermath of those two life altering changes. I was hard to deal with for a long time after that because I didn’t know how to process my grief and looking back at it now I don’t think I wanted to. I wanted everyone around me to feel as bad as I did. It’s not something that I’m proud of now but at the time, I didn’t care. This went on for over a year, and then one day I woke up and decided that this wasn’t fair to my family and that I was being selfish. None of my behavior was going to bring them back. So I fought. Every single day, I fought. To eat, to get out of bed, to leave the house, to have a conversation other than the grunts that had become normal between my husband and I. But I did it. Slowly, but I got it done. It’s been 15 years that my sister has been gone and 12 for my mom. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them or something doesn’t happen that I want to call and tell them about. I don’t think that will ever go away. But the fact that I made it through what I literally thought would kill me, is by far what I consider to be my greatest accomplishment.
Child Trafficking. Pedophilia. Pizzagate. The Deep State. Cannibalism. Child Sex Trade. Is this really the world that we are living in?
When this whole “conspiracy theory” was brought to my attention, I started looking into it out of sheer curiousity because listening to the theory of it, it sounded like it came straight out of a horror movie. There’s no way that this was really going on. This had to be something that a bored group of people had come up with because they were bored and had too much time on their hands during quarantine. Ladies and gentlemen, I was wrong. So very very wrong.
The very first time I had heard Jeffrey Epstein’s name was purely by coincidence. I was looking for a podcast that would help my 45 minute drive to work go a little bit faster and stumbled on a podcast about the scandal that surrounded him. After making it through the podcast in its entirety, I fell down the rabbit hold and found myself horrified. How is this real life?
Kids being tortured and abused in the basement of a pizza parlor? Hollywood’s elite feasting on the blood and flesh of babies? Children being bought and sold on the black market and shipped out to sick individuals under the precourser of buying industrial furniture? Once again, how is this real life. I’ve spent countless hours digging into the allegations and conspiracy theories and I am now convinced that none of these are just “theories”. There are too many coincidences to be coincedences at all. Too many things don’t add up and too many things fit perfectly together when they absolutely shouldn’t.
Eventually the truth will reveal itself, and to be totally honest I don’t think that the masses will know how to handle the realization of what’s really going in right underneath our noses and by the people that you would least expect and it’s going to rock society as we know it. All I know for sure is that we can’t just continue to sit down and take the lines of bullshit that have been fed to us and take it at face value. It’s time to question everything. How would you feel if it was your child?
Today is April 4, 2020. On March 16, 2020 was when things really starting to ramp up here in Louisiana as far as Covid-19 goes. Where I live here in Louisiana is about 2 hours north of New Orleans. The weekend of April 13-15, my husband and I left the Friday after thekids got on the bus to go to school and headed to New Orleans for an anniversary getaway because it was the week that the kids were returning to their Mom’s for her week. At this point, not much had been said about the virus in the US. It was getting bad in other parts of the world, but didn’t seem like it was hitting hard here. In hindsight, I should have given it more thought than I did and cancelled our trip because Mardi Gras had only passed a couple of weeks prior, and as everyone already knows, New Orleans is the Mecca for all things party and Mardi Gras. People come from all over the world to celebrate and this year was no different. Maybe I was in that mind frame of ‘this isn’t going to happen to us’ (which yes I know is irresponsible and naive but we had no idea or even of inkling of an idea of how bad things were going to get.)
We were in a bar shooting pool waiting for 4:00 to roll around so we could check into our hotel when the governor’s face popped up on the TV of the bar. There he was, stating that all Louisiana schools would be closing for a minimum of a month in an effort to slow the spread of Covid-19. My husband and I both shared a look of both shock and confusion because once again as I stated, there hadn’t been a whole lot of media attention or even talk about this virus. We enjoyed our weekend and headed back home early Sunday morning, not even stopping for breakfast. I exchanged a few texts with our kid’s mom about how we were going to handle this “new normal” with the kids being out of school. And so began the self- quarantine. I am considered immunocompromised due to underlying health conditions that I have suffered with since I was a child, so I knew that I would have no choice but to self quarantine because if I contracted this virus the chance of me being able to fight it off were going to be slim to none. And so I did like millions of other Americans and made sure that I would have enough essentials (no I did NOT stockpile toilet paper or anything else for that matter. We have 4 kids so everything stays pretty stocked to begin with) that there would be no reason for me to leave my house with the exception of picking up our kids for swap outs on Fridays.
Well before we all knew it, the stay home order was put in place by the governor, and low and behold, unless you were an essential worker you needed to keep your behind at home. Which btw, the idiots here are not following. I however, haven’t ventured out in almost a month. My husband is considered an essential worker so if something needs to be picked up from the grocery store or pharmacy, he takes care of that. So what do you do when you’ve been “incarcerated” for you and the public’s safety? You peruse Facebook and google of course!!! Boredom and social distancing at its best. In the process of all this googling and internet trolling, I kept stumbling on a conspiracy theory pertaining to child human trafficking. And let me tell you, my mind was blown. Let me clear something up though. I am an extremely logical person, and need facts to base my thought process on. However, one YouTube series that my husband and I took the 3 hours to sit down and watch ROCKED ME TO MY CORE!!!
The name of it is Fall Cabal 1-10. And now I am questioning everything. I won’t go into the basis of the videos for the sole fact that I feel like this is something that each individual person should watch and form their own opinion on. **DO NOT WATCH AROUND CHILDREN**. Some of the things that were brought up and explained in these videos seemed to make perfect sense. And now I can’t help but wonder if Covid-19 is a distraction for something MUCH MUCH MUCH bigger. Now don’t misunderstand me. This virus is extremely dangerous and very deadly and should absolutely without a doubt be taken as seriously as it can be. With that being said, after doing some research, the numbers don’t completely add up with other viruses that we have faced in the past.
Maybe I’ve been cooped up in the house to long and the boredom is getting to my brain. I’ll be the first person to say that this is a definite possibility. Maybe I should stop strolling the internet. I don’t know. But what I absolutely DO know is that in the pit of my stomach, something doesn’t feel right and I think America is about to change and be flipped upside down by EPIC proportions.
As 2019 slowly edges it’s way to an end, I listen to the sound of the kids playing outside with their friends. Unfiltered, unedited laughter is bouncing through the air and I can’t help but think how long it’s taken for us to get to this place. If I’m being completely honest, I wondered if we ever would. A lot has happened in 2019 for our family (although nothing could be as bad as 2018 was. 2018 showed me how strong I really was.)
This year has taught me how strong our family unit can be when we need to be. The beginning of the year was exciting and unbelievably stressful all at the same time. Our wedding was in March, and as happy as I was with that day, I would have been completely fine with our original intimate ceremony. But as those with blended families know, when small children are involved, that isn’t normally an option. In our case, our kids needed to actually see the wedding take place in order to fully grasp the concept of blending our families together. To be clear, I have no biological children of my own. I am not blessed enough to be able to carry children of my own. However, that makes me no less a parent or a mother, but that’s a conversation for another day. With the wedding out of the way, we had no idea exactly what was about to be handed to us.
Having a troubled child is one of the most difficult situations to deal with. Having a troubled child that is part of a set is an entirely different ballgame all together. There is no way to prepare yourself for some of the things that we found ourselves in the middle of. One of our triplets was REALLY struggling. Now they’re 10, which is a tough age to begin with now that hormones are starting to come into play. But the issues we were having went farrrrr beyond hormones. He was angry all the time. Violently angry. He was getting in trouble at home, getting in trouble at school, stealing, lying, violent and angry outbursts at literally the drop of a hat. And as bad as it was here, it was 10 times worse when he was at his moms. We have shared custody with a 7 and 7 schedule. When I tell you that it was bad, that word is an absolute understatement. And as any parent knows, that kind of situation is hard. When you are a step parent it’s even harder because you will in some way or another always be considered an “outsider”.
We tried everything. Literally EVERYTHING. Grounding, spanking, positive re enforcement, doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, medications, a couple of in patient facilities, family therapy. You name it and we tried it. The situation got so bad that his psychiatrist decided that our best bet was to put him in a behavioral center for boys in order to get him some extensive help, therapy, and coping skills to deal with his anger problems because we were at the point of being afraid that he would hurt himself, one of his siblings, or us. So 6 months in a treatment facility about 3 hours away. I can not express to you how hard that was. Not only on him and us, but also on his siblings. Being part of a trio for literally your entire life, and then one of those being gone was an adjustment for all of them. Once he was there for about 3 months, he was able to earn day passes which evolved to night passes and then eventually weekend passes where he was able to come home for the entire weekend. In November he was released for good and if I’m being completely candid, I didn’t think he was ready. It seemed to me like he said and did what he needed to say and do in order to come home but didn’t really take anything away from the experience. But how do you have that conversation with your spouse without looking like you just don’t want the child to come home? It’s near impossible.
The first few weeks were rough, but once we settled into a routine things slowly started to get better. The rules in our household had not changed and neither had the consequences or the rewards. I think that the consistency has worked wonders for him, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Things are still a little tense at his mom’s but they are also working through it.
2019 was challenging to say the least and I’m not sorry to see it go. I’m hoping that 2020 brings our family peace, and love, and happiness. Most of all I hope that my little one knows and understands that we will do whatever it takes to make sure that he evolves into a functioning, respectful, contributing member of society and that we will never give up on him.
So here we are at the end of 2019, literally at the very end. As we are about to ring in the New Years, I decided that now would be as good a time as any to venture into the blogging world seeing as so many changes are coming in 2020. And yes, I’m sure that many who just read that threw up in their mouth a little because everyone always overuses the “New Year, New Me” crap. Well rest assured ladies and gentleman, this is not that kind of blog. In fact, I’m not even sure if anyone will even read this. But it gives me somewhat of an outlet to freely express myself in a somewhat uncensored way. So, if anyone is reading this….grab the beverage of your choice (mine is most definitely wine) , and prepare to dive into this crazy ride that I call my life.
My name is Heather and I live in a small town in Louisiana. I’m not going to tell you what little town because this is the internet and stalkers are everywhere. You can never be too careful. I’m married to a goofy, stubborn, big hearted man that I have known since I was little. I am the bonus mama to 4 little monsters, three of them being triplets, and a very sassy little 7 year old. And let me just say that she is literally the definition of nurture vs. nature. She was only 3 when my husband and I got together and I can say that she has got his stubbornness and my attitude which in my home is a deadly combination (hence the wine). I own my own business called Freckled Face Designs **insert shameless plug here**, that specializes in custom tumblers and home decor. I also hold a paralegal studies degree and am currently studying to take my Private Investigator exam. So in the mean time, I’m going to throw myself into this blog because with all of the craziness going on in my home, sometimes I need to do something for just me….
LIFE OVERLOAD 