Small town girl trying to keep her sanity making her way through this crazy thing called life. Dedicated wife, bonus mom, and business owner who probably curses way too much and enjoys one too many glasses of wine.
Having been “reproductively challenged” my entire life, I knew that this day would eventually come. When all other measures had been exhausted to stop the pain from the period and the massive amounts of bleeding every month along with the fact that my periods last for however long they want to. Well that time has finally come and my doctor has scheduled my hysterectomy. I go in for pre op on June 1, and then in for surgery on June 3. I’m supposed to have a full vaginal hysto with the possibility of a oophorectomy, which means that my uterus, fallopian tubes, and cervix will definitely be removed with the possibility of my ovaries being removed as well. My doctor will make that decision once she gets in there and sees exactly what we’re dealing with. She is going to do her best to keep my ovaries because she wants to do her best to keep me off of hormones for as long as she can. (I’m crossing my fingers that we will be able to keep them as well because I have heard HORROR stories about having to be on the hormones.)
I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous and having mixed feelings about the whole thing. I’m sure when I meet with her for pre-op, she’ll go more in depth about everything, but I’m starting to get extremely nervous and honestly a little bit of terror is setting in not knowing what to expect. I’ve joined a few Facebook groups to kind of try to get an idea of what I may be looking at, but that has managed to scare me a little more. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are several upsides to this surgery and that I am going to feel so much better when everything is said and done. But just the fear of what could happen has me nervous. I’m not so worried about the surgery itself, so much as the recovery. Taking it one day at a time is all that I can do.
Since I will be down for the foreseeable future (I’m hoping not too long) this is the perfect opportunity to catch up on my blog and keep a running log of the procedure and recovery. So join me on this journey won’t you?
The stillness and routine is by far my favorite. In my first marriage, my ex husband was in a Special Forces unit in the Marine Corps. Needless to say, there wasn’t a whole lot of routine there. His schedule was extremely unpredictable, which made my schedule the same. We didn’t have kids together so we had the luxury of not having to worry much about where his missions took him. Had kids been a part of the equation, it would have made the situation much different. I have the utmost respect for the women who are taking care of children while their spouse is off serving our country. I watched some of my friends do it and it takes a special strength to do that. A strength that looking back now, I know that I didn’t have. Funny how the universe works when you don’t even realize it.
I look at my life now, and there is definitely routine and I love it. This is the life I’ve dreamed of. My husband is home every night, my kids have a routine. I am lucky enough to have a job that allows me to make my own schedule and also work from home so I can take care of all of my kids need. I can have a career AND be a wife and mother without having to sacrifice anything. Some days it’s exhausting, and some days I don’t know how I’ll do it, but it always gets done. I remember what it was like when I didn’t think that I would ever have this. From the reproductive issues that I have to my first failed marriage, I didn’t think that this kind of life was in the cards for me. So even on the hard, exhausting days I don’t complain. And sometimes after the day is over, the kids have been tucked in and are sleeping peacefully in their bed and my husband has fallen asleep waiting for me to finish my last shift of the night, I take a moment to just take it all in, because this is everything that I wished for.
I try not to regret anything that has happened in my life or any decisions that I have made. I’m a full believer in everything happens for a reason and that the universe has a plan. More often that not, we don’t understand what that plan is and even more often than that, I don’t think that we’re meant to. I feel like every decision that I’ve ever made and every experience that I’ve ever been through (both good and bad) has brought me to exactly where I am right now. And where I am right now is exactly where I’m supposed to be, when I’m supposed to be here.
With that being said, if I had to choose anything, it would be wasting my time and energy on people who didn’t deserve it and reacting to people and situations that didn’t deserve a response. Everyone comes across people in their lives, whether it’s in their personal lives or possibly in their professional lives that feel like all they do is suck the life and energy out of you. Unfortunately most of the time, we react or respond without thinking first because defending ourselves against negativity is almost like a gut reaction. It took me a very long time to realize that sometimes silence is the loudest response and that not every situation should be given that reaction. The person who is pulling this energy from you isn’t suffering, but the stress that you end up putting yourself through gives them a power of you and your emotions. Nobody else should have the power to ruin your day.
So after being MIA for entirely too long, because you know, life and kids and work happens, I’m doing my best to get back into the swing of things. What better way to try to ensure that I am holding myself accountable and sticking with things, than by starting a writing challenge, and today is Day 1.
What do I consider to be my biggest accomplishment? I wish I could pinpoint one specific thing but I can’t. I think that’s because I rate my successes differently than a lot of people. When my sister took her own life, I truly felt like I would never be the same. My world crashed in the time it took to pick up the phone. It felt like the ground had been ripped out from underneath me and I really thought that I would never make it through. There were so many unanswered questions. So many blurred details that just didn’t make any sense. But I clawed my way out of that depression and learned to make peace with the fact that the majority of the questions that I had would never be answered because the person that had the answers was never coming back and I had to learn to be okay with that. I woke up every day forcing myself to get out of bed, but I did it. And three years later when I felt like my feet were finally firmly on the ground and like there might have been a light at the end of the tunnel, tragedy struck again.
I received a phone call that my mom had a massive heart attack in the middle of the night at the age of 42. And just like that, in the time it took the phone to ring, my world came crashing down all over again. My brain couldn’t process it. Hadn’t I just been here? Is it even possible for there to be anything left of me to break? But indeed, there was. It was happening again. My world crashing around me and I was drowning directly in the center. This was my mom. My best friend. The person I called 20 times a day to talk about everything and nothing. How was I supposed to be expected to go on living? I didn’t know how to face a world without the two people who taught me everything and molded me into the person I was. At the time my mom died, I was only 21. I had been married and living on my own since I was 18, but I still felt like I didn’t know how to be an adult and how the hell was I supposed to learn. I have all the respect in the world for my ex husband for putting up with me during the aftermath of those two life altering changes. I was hard to deal with for a long time after that because I didn’t know how to process my grief and looking back at it now I don’t think I wanted to. I wanted everyone around me to feel as bad as I did. It’s not something that I’m proud of now but at the time, I didn’t care. This went on for over a year, and then one day I woke up and decided that this wasn’t fair to my family and that I was being selfish. None of my behavior was going to bring them back. So I fought. Every single day, I fought. To eat, to get out of bed, to leave the house, to have a conversation other than the grunts that had become normal between my husband and I. But I did it. Slowly, but I got it done. It’s been 15 years that my sister has been gone and 12 for my mom. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them or something doesn’t happen that I want to call and tell them about. I don’t think that will ever go away. But the fact that I made it through what I literally thought would kill me, is by far what I consider to be my greatest accomplishment.
Child Trafficking. Pedophilia. Pizzagate. The Deep State. Cannibalism. Child Sex Trade. Is this really the world that we are living in?
When this whole “conspiracy theory” was brought to my attention, I started looking into it out of sheer curiousity because listening to the theory of it, it sounded like it came straight out of a horror movie. There’s no way that this was really going on. This had to be something that a bored group of people had come up with because they were bored and had too much time on their hands during quarantine. Ladies and gentlemen, I was wrong. So very very wrong.
The very first time I had heard Jeffrey Epstein’s name was purely by coincidence. I was looking for a podcast that would help my 45 minute drive to work go a little bit faster and stumbled on a podcast about the scandal that surrounded him. After making it through the podcast in its entirety, I fell down the rabbit hold and found myself horrified. How is this real life?
Kids being tortured and abused in the basement of a pizza parlor? Hollywood’s elite feasting on the blood and flesh of babies? Children being bought and sold on the black market and shipped out to sick individuals under the precourser of buying industrial furniture? Once again, how is this real life. I’ve spent countless hours digging into the allegations and conspiracy theories and I am now convinced that none of these are just “theories”. There are too many coincidences to be coincedences at all. Too many things don’t add up and too many things fit perfectly together when they absolutely shouldn’t.
Eventually the truth will reveal itself, and to be totally honest I don’t think that the masses will know how to handle the realization of what’s really going in right underneath our noses and by the people that you would least expect and it’s going to rock society as we know it. All I know for sure is that we can’t just continue to sit down and take the lines of bullshit that have been fed to us and take it at face value. It’s time to question everything. How would you feel if it was your child?
Today is April 4, 2020. On March 16, 2020 was when things really starting to ramp up here in Louisiana as far as Covid-19 goes. Where I live here in Louisiana is about 2 hours north of New Orleans. The weekend of April 13-15, my husband and I left the Friday after thekids got on the bus to go to school and headed to New Orleans for an anniversary getaway because it was the week that the kids were returning to their Mom’s for her week. At this point, not much had been said about the virus in the US. It was getting bad in other parts of the world, but didn’t seem like it was hitting hard here. In hindsight, I should have given it more thought than I did and cancelled our trip because Mardi Gras had only passed a couple of weeks prior, and as everyone already knows, New Orleans is the Mecca for all things party and Mardi Gras. People come from all over the world to celebrate and this year was no different. Maybe I was in that mind frame of ‘this isn’t going to happen to us’ (which yes I know is irresponsible and naive but we had no idea or even of inkling of an idea of how bad things were going to get.)
We were in a bar shooting pool waiting for 4:00 to roll around so we could check into our hotel when the governor’s face popped up on the TV of the bar. There he was, stating that all Louisiana schools would be closing for a minimum of a month in an effort to slow the spread of Covid-19. My husband and I both shared a look of both shock and confusion because once again as I stated, there hadn’t been a whole lot of media attention or even talk about this virus. We enjoyed our weekend and headed back home early Sunday morning, not even stopping for breakfast. I exchanged a few texts with our kid’s mom about how we were going to handle this “new normal” with the kids being out of school. And so began the self- quarantine. I am considered immunocompromised due to underlying health conditions that I have suffered with since I was a child, so I knew that I would have no choice but to self quarantine because if I contracted this virus the chance of me being able to fight it off were going to be slim to none. And so I did like millions of other Americans and made sure that I would have enough essentials (no I did NOT stockpile toilet paper or anything else for that matter. We have 4 kids so everything stays pretty stocked to begin with) that there would be no reason for me to leave my house with the exception of picking up our kids for swap outs on Fridays.
Well before we all knew it, the stay home order was put in place by the governor, and low and behold, unless you were an essential worker you needed to keep your behind at home. Which btw, the idiots here are not following. I however, haven’t ventured out in almost a month. My husband is considered an essential worker so if something needs to be picked up from the grocery store or pharmacy, he takes care of that. So what do you do when you’ve been “incarcerated” for you and the public’s safety? You peruse Facebook and google of course!!! Boredom and social distancing at its best. In the process of all this googling and internet trolling, I kept stumbling on a conspiracy theory pertaining to child human trafficking. And let me tell you, my mind was blown. Let me clear something up though. I am an extremely logical person, and need facts to base my thought process on. However, one YouTube series that my husband and I took the 3 hours to sit down and watch ROCKED ME TO MY CORE!!!
The name of it is Fall Cabal 1-10. And now I am questioning everything. I won’t go into the basis of the videos for the sole fact that I feel like this is something that each individual person should watch and form their own opinion on. **DO NOT WATCH AROUND CHILDREN**. Some of the things that were brought up and explained in these videos seemed to make perfect sense. And now I can’t help but wonder if Covid-19 is a distraction for something MUCH MUCH MUCH bigger. Now don’t misunderstand me. This virus is extremely dangerous and very deadly and should absolutely without a doubt be taken as seriously as it can be. With that being said, after doing some research, the numbers don’t completely add up with other viruses that we have faced in the past.
Maybe I’ve been cooped up in the house to long and the boredom is getting to my brain. I’ll be the first person to say that this is a definite possibility. Maybe I should stop strolling the internet. I don’t know. But what I absolutely DO know is that in the pit of my stomach, something doesn’t feel right and I think America is about to change and be flipped upside down by EPIC proportions.
Am I the only one that’s going stir crazy? I can’t be. But I have to say that as stir crazy as I am, I still don’t think that the precautions put in place where I live are strict enough. As of now we have been instructed to stay home unless we are doing the “essentials”, i.e. grocery shopping, going to the pharmacy, and those that are still allowed to go to work. However, that’s not what’s happening. People are still going out for unnecessary things and not staying home and NOT sheltering in place. As long as people are doing that, this virus will continue to spread. In my opinion, the governor needs to hold a press conference stating that the public needs to do what is necessary to be prepared to not leave their homes for the next 14 days, and arrest those who leave their house during that time period unless you are a medical care professional or unless you are seeking medical help. The more people are allowed to roam (for lack of a better word) this virus will never stop spreading. It’s bad enough that the public didn’t take it seriously when warnings first went out, but this is ridiculous. I’ll get off of my soap box now.
So I guess technically I’ve been MIA from blogging. It seems like sometimes when I’m overwhelmed, I tend to become what seems like a recluse. This have been so crazy and I feel like I’m not myself lately and I can’t really explain or identify why. I’m tired. Like all the time. The bone crushing, soul tired.
It also doesn’t help that my son is back on the constant getting in trouble kick. I’m so frustrated because I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know how to get through to him and to be totally honest, I really don’t think that he wants the help. Or maybe he doesn’t see anything wrong with his actions. When he does some of the things that he does, and I try to talk to him about it, everything literally goes in one ear and out of the other. He gets this blank look on his face and completely checks out. He will openly admit that he knows the things that he does are wrong, but he does it anyway and just doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do or how to help anymore.
It’s been a pretty busy couple of weeks in our household so I haven’t been around to blog the way that I have wanted to, or should I say as frequently. The triplets turned 11, and as much as some days, I wish and think that I’m ready, I most definitely am not. Where are my babies? Where are the little ones that always wanted to hold my hand or needed help getting dishes out of the cabinet because they were too short (to be fair though, I need a step stool for EVERYTHING being as I’m 32 years old and 4’10!) With them turning another year older and entering their preteen years, I can’t help but wonder am I holding on to them tight enough, and how tight is too tight?
What criteria are other parents using to determine when to let their children explore different types of independence? I feel like this is such a difficult question because every kid and every situation is different, and as we all know, what works in one household very rarely works in another. For example, all of us mamas know that babysitters are EXPENSIVE! In my state, there is no minimum age for a child to stay alone as long as they can dial 911. I think this is absolutely absurd. But in that very same breath, I trust two of my triplets to be left at home alone for small periods of time while I would never feel comfortable leaving the last of the trio alone and if we’re being completely honest, I don’t know when or if I ever will feel comfortable. The trust and confidence just isn’t there. So to those parents reading this, how do you make those decisions and what do you base those decisions on?
Is that even a real thing? It has to be right? Not just bonus mom guilt, but any kind of mom guilt. Let me elaborate. In our household, and in our situation all together, I am considered the primary caregiver. With a 7 and 7 schedule, no matter who’s week it is chances are I’m doing the errands and the running around. School conferences and meetings? Check! Doctor’s appointments and shots? All me! There are a series of events that happened to put us in this place and I’m totally fine with taking on these responsibilities. I said that to say this: I am an extremely hands on parent.
Now with being such a hands on parent a strange shift happened and I’m not exactly sure when it happened but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it happened gradually. I rarely ever do anything or spend money on myself. I can go to a store and drop a buttload of money on things the kids need. Clothes, treats, taking them out for ice cream or to Cheddar’s (their favorite place to eat) when they earn it and not bat an eye. Shopping for something my husband wants or needs? I’m totally enthused about it. He works extremely hard to provide for us and without a doubt deserves it. But when it comes to myself….No way….NOT HAPPENING! Why you may ask? I have no idea. I never used to be this way before my husband and I got together. Now granted, my ex husband and I were married for 13 years and had no children. He was in the Marine Corps and gone more often than he was home. That, coupled with my fertility issues, and it just wasn’t meant to be. That being said, we had no one but ourselves to worry about supporting or caring for. Our responsibilities were to each other. That seems like a different life and I guess in a way it is. My life is completely changed now as am I. I now have 5 people that depend on me, 4 of them being adolescent children. And as we all know, as moms we don’t have the luxury of just up and going on a shopping spree. At least not the 70% middle class families like ourselves.
But today I did it. I went out and made a purchase for myself. I decided to buy myself a digital camera. It was investment that I knew needed to be made between my small business and preparing to take my private investigator’s exam (a GOOD digital camera with the ability to take long range shots is part of the necessary equipment) I decided it was time. I spoke to my husband about it, did my research and decided on a Nikon Coolpix B500. This morning the kids and I got dressed and set out to go buy it. It took me going to three different stores because the first two were out of stock (thanks Santa!) but I finally found a Target that had it. I was super excited, brought it to the counter and paid for it. With the warranty included the total came out to a whopping $284. Now look, I know that $284 for a quality brand digital camera with a 4.6 star review is not bad AT ALL. In fact it’s pretty much a steal. I grabbed my bag with the kids in tow and headed through the parking lot to my car. I didn’t even make it to the exit doors before the guilt had taken over. Did I really just spend that much money on myself? There had to have been something more important or much needed that this amount of money could have spent on. Now keep in mind all of the bills are paid with money to spare, but y’all I still felt horrible!
I called my husband to let him know that I found the one I was looking for and that I was thinking of returning it because of how much I spent, and in true Steve fashion basically said ‘of course you are and woman don’t you dare return that camera’. I got home, unboxed it, and fell completely in love with it. But in the back of my mind I still have this nagging feeling that the money could have gone to something else.
I can’t be the only person that goes through this. How do we stop it?
LIFE OVERLOAD 